Lothlyn Greenleaf OLD
by Mr Mythos
Summary: Ok, I have changed the summary on popular- demand 1 guy who hated it- and it now says:Lothyln Greenleaf, our cunning and poorly humorus hero goes on a few adven- well, I wouldn't call them adventures, but he goes on something.
1. Chapter 1

**Unneeded Disclaimer of ultimate pain:** I do not own Bethesda, if I did; I would be taking a dump on your head from a 44th floor window.

**Claimer (As ordered by Gollum):** I do, however, own my character and any other characters I make up (most of the characters will be made up because I haven't played this game in ages ((Life gets in the way, DAMN YOU LIFE!)) and I've forgotten most of the characters because when god rolled my character sheet, he rolled a three in memory)

And now at last (after many misguided attempts at humour) our scheduled presentation

Brought to you by

Goddamnit Mildred, I've spilt me tea again!

Pictures

Lothlyn Greenleaf

The mage's hands glowed with purple fire and his robes fluttered around him

"You, Lothlyn Greenleaf, are charged with stealing from the sacred chest" he said

"It's not a chest, it's this long!" replied the thief, emphasizing his words with 3 inches space between his fingers.

"Size is no matter! What you stole is of great importance!" yelled the mage, his eyes blazing with rage

"A marble" said the elf, his long hair flying in the wind of the mage's spell.

"IT IS NOT A MARBLE!" screamed the high elf guild master, he lobbed the fireballs at Lothlyn, the elf ducked under one and cart wheeled out of the way of another.

The thief grinned and ran towards the doors; two more balls of flame flew past

"You burn this suit and you're dead!" He yelled, not turning to look back.

He burst through the doors into the imperial city; the elf walked slowly away from the doors and walked off into the crowd

"Only a moron runs" he told himself, as his master had done a thousand times "Ok, don't over exaggerate, not a thousand times" admitted the thief "Or did he?"

Lothlyn turned down a side alley and walked along, he whistled as he did, his midnight black longsword bouncing in his scabbard as he walked.

The thief wondered about his career, as a child he had always wanted to be a wise and powerful monk, then at age 12 he decided he wanted to be a mage, but then he had ended up as a thief.

Ah, how many times he had heard the cliché line "Stop, thief!" he could not remember, but he had once or twice heard the occasional "You made me drop my bagel!"

He turned into the thieves guild, the elf walked along the carpeted halls, his blue eyes flashing dazzlingly, most of his fellow guild members hid in dark corners and watched him go by, that made him think of an article he had once seen in Ye olde paper with news innit, the article was all about the fact that 77 of the Thieves' guild was composed of angsty corners.

He trundled silently into Grey Fox's-

"Wait, wait, wait, lemme get this straight, and the author actually remembered a name?" frowned Lothlyn with interest

"Dude! Shut up, you're breaking the fourth wall!" replied Blackmagi angrily

"Before I go, I'd just like to say that this piece of conversation between me and the author did not happen" and with that, the thief popped back into Microsoft word.

-office

"Ah, hello, Loth, I've been expecting you" drawled Grey Fox, turning on his chair

"Dude, that is waaaaay overused" commented Lothlyn, raising an eyebrow and sitting down.

"Lower that eyebrow right now, young man!" said Grey Fox sternly.

Sometimes Lothlyn thought that old GF was off his rocker, but then again, he did sign his monthly guild cheque.

The elf complied and lowered his eyebrow, pulling out a small white marble-sized ball as he did.

The ball was handed over

"Ah, the sacred orb of Illusion" cooed Grey Fox softly, the light glinting in his eyes

"A.k.a, marble" confirmed the top thief, Grey Fox shot him a dirty look

"This orb-"

"Marble" sniped in Lothlyn

Grey Fox sighed "can create any illusion you want"

"So….you're using it to make illusions of naked orcs, right?" grinned the thief

"Ugh" the guildmaster shuddered "no, with this, we could steal the elder scrolls themselves" he grinned madly

"Cough, going mad with power, cough" said Lothlyn very loudly and clearly

"Will you STFU for five minutes?" asked Grey Fox

"Uh, we're not supposed to know what an acronym is" put in the elf, Grey Fox fumed

"Shut. Up Thank you, now, with the elder scrolls, we can ransom them for millions of gold!"

"But, isn't ulti-" the thief was about to interrupt

"Shut up, now, when we get this gold, we can buyout the mages' and fighters' guild, and then…….the world!"

Lothlyn was wondering what would happen if he killed GF and then he could sign his own monthly guild payment when he thought better of it, GF had enough problems with half the world wanting him dead, and his wife being diagnosed with tumours…..

Lothlyn was riding his horse 7 minutes and 23 seconds later when two bandits jumped out from the side of the road and yelled

"Gives us your money?" said one; it sounded as if he had badly rehearsed it

"Yeah, o-or we'll c-cut you?" confirmed the other, looking at his partner for help.

Loth dismounted his horse and patted his horse

"I'll be right back" he told the horse, and walked over to the bandits

"Ok, what's wrong, boys?" he asked them

"Well, we're kinda new to this whole bandit thing" sighed one

"And we haven't exactly covered the whole, 'robbery' thing yet" said the other

"Well, the thing is, you need to be scary, c'mon, gimme your mean looks!" said the wood elf

One bandit wrinkled up his nose and scowled, and the second one jutted out his bottom jaw

"No, no, no! Try like this" Lothlyn told them, he furrowed his brow and raised the right side of his upper lip.

The bandits looked at him with awe

"Now you try" he instructed, the first bandit did exceedingly well, he leered and grinned nastily, whilst his friend cracked his knuckles and sneered.

"Very good!" praised the elf, sounding almost teacher-like.

"Now, the first thing you do when you see someone is draw your weapon" he told the clueless highwaymen, and he pulled out his sword and pointed it at a tree

"Its even better if you have a ranged weapon" he added

"Well, that's good, Mike's got a crossbow" said the nameless bandit, jabbing a thumb at Mike, bandit 2 (or Mike) pulled a yew crossbow from his back and beamed happily.

Lothlyn instructed the bandits on holding your weapons in a menacing way, you combined this with your mean face, and this made a great combination that would scare even a nord out of his skin

"Thanks, chum, me and Mike thank you so much for your help!" smiled one robber

"No problem" replied Loth, clambering onto his horse and began to ride away

"Lovely chap, eh Bill?" said one bandit

"Yeah…."replied Bill

As the two bandits watched the disappearing horse and figure the horribly clichéd stupidity dawned on them

"Wait…"

Lothlyn arrived at the town of Bravil, he left his horse at the stables and walked off to the nearest tavern; The Burning Skirt.

He walked in to be greeted by song, laughter, and the sickening crunches of knuckles making contact with a face somewhere under a table.

He walked up to the bar

"Apple grog, my dirty man" he said, the barman walked up after a few movements and said,

"That'll be "but Lothlyn was gone "gold. Ugh, no one ever pays in this bloody bar" he muttered "and if they do, it's either with a fist to the nose, or a lift of the dress…" he started to wipe the bar table

"Not that I mind the lift of a dress" he suddenly added, eyes shifty "wouldn't want any readers to think I'm a homosexual" he said perhaps a little to fast.

Suddenly a dagger came flying past his head and embedded itself in the wall next to his head on it the words: _DON'T BREAK THE FOURTH WALL _were written.

Anyway, back to our dashing hero, when I say 'dashing', well, when I write 'dashing', I mean he was literally dashing

"_Oh crap, that guy's gonna kill me!"_ thought Lothlyn, now, lets see what our elven thief was doing whilst that fourth wall-breaking barkeep was bantering on about his sexuality.

Lothlyn walked of with his apple grog, happily whistling a tune.

A large orc lumbered over to him and said

"Oi! I bet you 2 gold I can touch my nose with my tongue" he said

"I bet that's not all you touch with your tongue" sniggered the thief, unluckily; this orc was not drunk and was intelligent enough to conceive what Loth said.

"You son of a bi-" but before this story could be befouled with bad language, Lothlyn had ran out of earshot of the orc, who had now unsheathed his club (how the hell do you unsheathe a club?) and thundered after the swift elf.

The two chased up the stairs and it was obvious that this would undoubtedly end up in a Benny Hill scene.

The two ran through a door and the music started on cue, the thief ran out of one door at the end when the orc came out of the other.

Soon they were running about through doors and they could swear that Scooby-doo and Spock were running around too until Lothlyn hopped out of a window and into a pile of mud and pig crap.

"I hate my life" he said plainly as he got up and walked over to the stables.

On a hill overlooking Bravil a figure stood, only the figure's outline could be seen, watching the town….

"Wait, wait, wait!" interrupted Lothlyn "what the hell is this guy doing?"

"Its called foreshadowing dipsh-" but then the story had to end to save the ESRB rating.

(A/N ok, please flame me or praise me, my humour is stupid at times in my opinion, but remember, it doesn't actually have a storyline, I'm making it up as I go along, like J.K Rowling )


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer that means if you actually read it you have no life:** I do not own Bethesda, if I did, I would be using Bill Gates' face as an ashtray

**Claimer of 'ha-ha, in your face, I'm claiming this':** I do, however, own all my characters (most will be made up as I haven't played Oblivion in ages, and because when I was born, Jesus used part of my memory bank as a substitute as a scrabble piece

**NEW FEATURETTE!**

**Review Replies**

M'aiq The Liar: I'm sorry, I will proceed to beat myself over the head with a frying pan, oh, and, uh, make the story less humour based and give it a basic plotline, I guess…

The Mighty Lu Bu: Soorry, I changed the summary now, and I'm glad you liked it, but M'aiq says I need less humor.

And now (after watching a seminar about lamb slaughter)

Our Scheduled Program

Brought to you by

Chocolate Bunnies On A Missile

Beggars, Orcs, and Jesus, oh my!

(Or, Lothlyn Greenleaf, chapter 2)

"Ok, so, how did I get all the way up here from the stables?" asked Lothlyn to the shadowy figure

"Dunno, it's a humour story, who cares?" replied the figure, waving his arms in the air like an idiot

"No, no, no, it's got seriousness now, and a basic storyline that is made up as it goes along, because of one messed up dic-"

We are sorry, now we will edit this program with the correct message

"Because of one helpful and great reader" said Lothlyn, whose voice now sounded like the one you get in those crappy ads about wheelies (Sorry M'aiq, I didn't mean it, its my job to turn stuff into humor, and your review did help).

"Ok, ok, can I come out of the shadows now, its frickin' boring being in the shadows" said the figure

"Umm, no, script says you don't come in til I'm drunk and dancing" replied the thief, looking at the script

"Ok, you know, go ahead, break the 4th wall, I don't give a damn anymore" decided BM, and walked off.

"Ok….can we finally get back to the newly introduced storyline now?" said Lothlyn, walking back down to the stables, as he did, a mugger crept up behind him and raised his dagger high

"_Hmm, I wonder whether to turn this mugger into humour or seriousness_?" thought the elf "_Oh, wait! I'm doing the humour now! Ok then, now I'll go Keanu Reeves on his ass!_"

Lothlyn turned around and kneed the mugger in the stomach, effectively winding him and making him drop the dagger; the thief snatched up the dagger and pointed it at the mugger's throat

"Do you work for anyone?" asked Lothlyn, still holding the dagger hard against the thug's throat

"N-no one, sir" stammered the man, he had a bald head and a black beard, his eyes showed true fear and Lothlyn could tell he did not have the heart of a thug, he pulled some gold from his pouch and took the dagger away from the man's throat, he placed the gold into his hands and gave him back his dagger

"Do you have a family, thug?" asked the elf

"Y-yes, sir, I have a beautiful wife and two lovely children" he said "a-and if its any constellation sir, m-my name's Jacob", Jacob had a look of surprise on his face as the gold and weapon were placed into his hands

"Now, Jacob, I want you to promise me one thing" instructed Lothlyn

"W-what's that, sir?" asked the ex-thug

"You must promise me to only use this money and dagger to protect that family of yours" the thief told him, looking into his eyes

"Yes, sir, I promise!" said Jacob; his face looked brave and true

"Then go, Jacob, go to your family and tell them of this" Lothlyn placed a hand on his shoulder before the man Jacob ran off into the night to his home.

Little did our hero know it, but this changed Jacob's life, he never drunk again, he gave up skooma, and he bought his family a nice cottage in Anvil.

"Wow, being serious and having less humour makes me feel all warm and fuzzy!" smiled the thief as he walked towards the stables.

When he arrived, he paid the stable boy some gold and saddled his horse, as he left he shouted back,

"Don't spend it in a bordello!"

Lothlyn's horse (who we shall now call Phil) cantered along the road, after a while the sun began to set, and our hero decided to set up camp by the side of a stream, he put down his bedroll and made a fire.

The elf lay down beside his horse, looking up at the stars, he pointed at one

"Hey, that one's really bright" he said "and it's getting bigger!", Phil neighed and hid behind a tree

"What's wrong, Phil?" asked Lothlyn, leaning on his shoulder, the 'star' was getting closer, and closer, until it hit the fire with a loud explosion, the thief looked up from the wreckage, and some Japanese people climbed out of the satellite and started arguing in japaneseish

"Umm, ok…." Said Lothlyn, the Japanese men started pointing at the elf and speaking very fast, for the benefit of readers, the next sentence with be subtitled into English

"I told you they were on to us!" exclaimed one

"Shut up! You're gonna get us in trouble! The grandmaster will not like this!" replied the other, and then they both ran screaming into the forest.

Little did Lothlyn or the readers know, but the Japanese were hosting our hero's life on TV on some show.

In the morning, the horse and elf woke up, the satellite was gone and the turf had been re-laid

"Umm, ok…." Repeated Lothlyn, he walked over to the nearby stream and began to wash his face, when a man in a loincloth walked up and stammered,

"P-please s-sir I h-haven't eaten in d-d-days! May you spare a gold or two for the poor?"

"It's not bonfire night though" argued the thief

"B-but"

"No buts, young man!" said Lothlyn crossly

"But I'm probably older than you"

"……..shut up" and with that, Lothlyn pushed the beggar into the stream, where he began to shout,

"HELP! HELP! I CAN'T SWIM!"

"Hmm, I wonder what there is to eat out here" pondered our hero, oblivious to the beggar's plea

"Well, I could always eat Phil…..No; Phil's like one of the family. Hmm, I could eat the beggar, but he's a bit scrawny…."

"OH GODS, PLEASE HELP ME!" screamed the beggar; water was beginning to overlap his head

"Oh, hey! Some berries!" exclaimed Lothlyn, running over to a bush and began to pluck some yellow berries from it, he popped one into his mouth and chewed.

He screwed up his face

"Gah! Sour, but nice" he said, pocketing the berries

"OH, OH NO, PLEASE, NOOOO!" yelled the beggar as he was consumed by the waters.

The thief turned back to the river

"What were you……saying?" he asked the space where the beggar had been, he looked about "some people are so rude" he commented crossly, he retired t his camp, where he packed up, and saddled Phil, the horse and rider took off back to the path.

The thief had decided where he was going, he was travelling to his friend in Leyawiin, they had not seen each other in a long time, and his friend said he had something for our hero

"See! Told you we had storyline!" smirked Lothlyn as he passed a bear eating a rabbit.

As Phil slowed down to a trot at about midday, an arrow flew past the elf's head and hit a tree, a little flag unfurled from it saying: BOO.

Lothlyn turned round and saw an orc reloading a crossbow

"What the Hell? I thought there weren't any crossbows in Oblivion?" frowned Lothlyn; he dismounted and walked over to the orc, who was looking at him strangely

"Why did you do that?" asked the elf

"Because I felt like it" said the orc gruffly

"You can't just feel like shooting at someone"

"Yes you can, when half the world wants your husband dead and you've been diagnosed with tumours, yes you can" snorted the green figure.

Lothlyn stared for a moment and then his mind clicked

"Neat! My brain clicks! But anyway, you're a _woman_?" gawped the elf

"Yes"

"And you're Grey fox's wife?"

"Yes" answered the orc

"So, uh, how are you?" asked Lothlyn lightly

"I have tumours, how do you think I feel?" she sighed dully

"Just peachy?" shrugged our hero, wanting to make a good impression on his boss' wife

"No, to be honest, I feel post-apocalyptic" she said matter-of-factly

"Ah, well, to be honest, I don't actually give a damn" smiled the thief

When he woke up, Lothlyn was tied upside-down to a tree branch with a black eye, and someone had written 'jerk' on Phil's ass

"Goddamnit, why do I always end up like this whenever I talk to girls?" he asked himself, he much preferred it when girls talking to girls meant "Ok, the guards are after me, if you let me hid here, I'll give you a gold".

Lothlyn hung there for days, once, a porcupine came up and laughed at him til it was out of breath, then Phil kicked it against a tree, where Gollum came along and ate it.

Lothlyn's black eye had turned a nasty shade of blellow when a man cam into the clearing, he was wearing a white robe

"B-buddha?" gasped the elf

"No, you degenerate moron, its me, Jesus, it's in the frickin' title for my sake" said Jesus

"I would bow down, but I'm tied up" Lothlyn told him

"No, nice try, but I'm not letting you down just yet"

"What? Why the Hell not?" said the tied up elf, swaying slightly

"Because I own you, literally" explained the holy man, pulling out a document and showing it to our hero, he then put it away and sat on a rock

"So, do I have to win a game of riddles or something?" asked bored thief

"No, all you have to do is this" said Jesus "you have to name 4 things that have a special place reserved in hell"

"Oh…. Michael Jackson, The producers of big brother, Oprah and…… Sean Connery" answered Lothlyn after some thought

"Ok, well done, now, in the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, are you ready to be healed!" yelled Jesus

"What the?"

"Oh, sorry, I was stuck on preacher mode" apologised Jesus, he stuck his hand down his robe, turned the hidden dial, and clicked his fingers, and Lothlyn fell from the tree, untied

"Wow, thanks Jesus, I swear to never go Muslim or Jewish" said the elf

(IF YOU ARE A MUSLIM OR JEW AND WERE OFFENDED, PLEASE MAIL ME A MESSAGE AND WE WILL BEAT LOTHLYN WITH A BASEBALL BAT, OR JUST SAY EVEN IF YOU AREN'T A MUSLIM OR JEW, AND WE WILL STILL BEAT HIM)

"And now, I will disappear" said Jesus mystically "BOOM-SHAKA-LOOM!", there was a puff of smoke, a lot of coughing, and a sound of a car door opening and shutting then the engine stalling, then finally revving up and driving away.

In the morning, Phil and Lothlyn were finally at the gates of Leyawiin

"Ah, open the gates my fine man" the elf told the guard

"Sorry, no can do, you need a pass key, you can get one in the cave 45 miles west" said the guard heartily.

The chief guard wondered why his two best guards didn't show up for their shift that night.

(To be continued in the next in the Lothlyn series, which I cannot think of the name for)

((A/N: OK, less humour, just testing out the balance, was it still as funny? Was it you know, ok, or, I dunno, you're the readers, you tell me…..OR ELSE))


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer of dullness: **I do not own Bethesda, or Wolf, if I did, I would be currently be advertising a show called "101 reasons why I'm better than you"

**Claimer of ULTIMATE POWER:** I do, however, own all characters not actually created in the elder scrolls (most characters will be made up, because I haven't played Oblivion in ages, plus, when I was five, the Easter bunny stole part of my brain to make his world domination machine with, so now I don't remember stuff, but I have this neat egg-shaped scar though!)

And now

After 2007 years of waiting

Our scheduled program

Brought to you by

Shnizzle Ma Nizzle

Productions

Vampires are not good vomit buckets

(Or, Lothlyn chapter 3)

Lothlyn whistled as he walked through the town, he body splattered with the remains of the two guards. He stopped and leaned against a wall, where had his friend said he lived? Lothlyn continued to walk, a plump woman selling doughnuts (well….doughnut) passed him, as she walked past, he stole the doughnut and took a bite

"Cool! There are doughnuts in Oblivion now!" he chewed happily as the sound of people busying themselves with everyday 'business' (skooma dealing) met his ears. The thief turned into a shady alley, as he did, many men and women stepped out from the shadows, offering him things

"Wanna buy some skooma?"

"Lockpicks, best on the black market"

"WOWGOLDONLY$14.99PERGOLD"

Lothlyn edged away from the last one, he looked Chinese. The elf began to scud, he wall-jumped to gain access to the roofs of Leyawiin. Lothlyn spied a small house with a green front door, he headed towards it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later, under the roof of Yan-lo-yi, an argonian, and Lothlyn's close friend, our hero was sitting in a comfortable arm chair opposite Yan-lo-yi, sipping something his friend had said was "Native"

"So, how are you?" asked the argonian in a slithery voice

"I'm fine, Grey Fox has gone mad, met some idiotic bandits, had an argument with a guest character" replied Lothlyn

"Ah, I expect you'll be wanting your…..gift?" smiled Yan-lo-yi

"I'm a thief, what do you expect?" grinned Lothlyn

"All right, my long-eared friend, let me fetch it" and Yan-lo-yi got up from his chair and walked out of the room, tail swishing. Lothlyn was desperately resisting the urge to ransack his friend's living room, it was, after all, a force of habit. After some time, Yan-lo-yi returned.

"Why are you holding your hands over your crotch?" queried the argonian, tilting his head

"Shut up. Now give me my gift" replied Lothlyn, the argonian complied, handing him a large box, he greedily opened it and scrambled amongst the packaging, until he found, amongst the name brand Styrofoam, a small piece of paper

"What the hell is this?" demanded Lothlyn

"Well, it is a map to the dwemer mines in the Valus Mountains" replied Yan-lo-yi

"Why did you give me this?" fumed the elf

"Well, rumour has it, well, rumours can't have things, they do not actually have physical form, but, rumour has it, that deep in the dwemer mines lies an untold treasure vault, guarded by a-" Yan-lo-yi looked around, his friend had disappeared, so had most of his jewellery box, and his door was open

"Shegorath damnit!" yelled the argonian as he inspected his jewellery box.

Lothlyn was in a tavern several hours later celebrating his good fortune and luck when a figure entered the tavern. Wolf looked around from under his hood; people were chatting, drinking, and laughing. The vampire remembered what it was like when he could have once been like these people, no, those were painful thoughts. Wolf sat down at a table and pulled a leather-skinned flask from his cloak, he took a short sip.

"_Hey! When the sun is down_

_And, our eyes are drooping_

_You know what I do?_

_I come down to the tavern_

_And I have myself a drink_

_And then I laugh_

'_Cause when a beer is down your throat you can't go wrong_

_HEY! So….._

_I'd just like to say to all you non drinkers, 1 2!_

_FU-" _but he was cut of by tripping over someone's tankard and falling onto the floor

"_YOUUUUUUUUU!" _then he was silent. Wolf looked down at Lothlyn, he blinked, which was something he rarely did. The vampire picked up a nearby tankard, not caring for whose it was, and tipped it over the elf's head. Lothlyn awoke with a start

"YOU BROKE MY WINGNUT!" he yelled, and then got up slowly, Wolf supported him; they staggered to a corner and plonked down at a table

"Th-thanksh" giggled Lothlyn, hiccupping

"Listen, I am here because I heard you" Wolf prodded Lothlyn in the chest "have the map to the dwemer caverns beneath Valus mountains"

"Thatsh right!" praised the thief, nodding vigorously. Wolf slapped the drunken elf, a orc wearing a dress came up

"Free cookie?" he asked

"O RLY?!" yelled Lothlyn, punching the orc in the mouth

"Why did you do that?" yelled Wolf

"'Cause yo' momma told me to!" laughed the wood elf and threw a tankard at a man who was running at the two with a knife

"Ugh, delinquent" sighed Wolf, side-stepping and snapping the man's neck as he passed

"Gesundheit!" yipped Lothlyn happily as he stabbed the Chinese guy from earlier. Wolf grabbed the elf by the arm and dragged him out of the bar

"NOOOOO! I WANTED A MASHED WAFFLE!" screamed Lothlyn

"Worst. Humour. Ever" sighed comic book guy from the corner of the street. Wolf dragged a now sleeping Lothlyn back to a cave not far from the town.

Lothlyn awoke to two large milky white eyes staring at him through the darkness of the cave, and then it hit him, literally

"Ow! What the hell was that?"

"Don't mind the bats" said Wolf "they don't…bite", then the hangover hit him

"AHHH! MOTHER TUCKER! MY HEAD!" yelled the elf

"Ah, ha-ha, that'll teach you to drink" smiled Wolf

"Oh, wait, its just Lord Voldemort" realised Lothlyn "I told you to stop following me! Go torment some random kid with a scar!"

"B-but-" began Voldemort

"I said go away!"

The Dark Lord whimpered and shuffled away out of the cave, there was an appropriate "awwwwww" from the audience

"Screw you! I own this show-book-yes, I meant book" yelled Lothlyn, flipping off the audience, er, I mean, readers.

"So, why am I here?" asked the wood elf

"Because you have the map to the dwemer mines" replied Wolf, bewildered at what strange enchantments were going on

"And you wanna come with me? Well, I'd better call my agent first…"

"No time, let us pack" said Wolf, looking very strategic

"What the hell do you mean? We have all the time in the world!" argued Lothlyn

"Ugh, fine" Wolf gave in "but you're not staying here to long!" he warned

"Yay! Slumber party!" squealed Lothlyn in delight

"Kill me" sighed Wolf, putting his head in his hands

"I can invite _everyone_! Even those weird vampire hunters!"

"Wait, scratch that, kill me, _please"_

A/N: Ok, ok. Worst. Chapter. Ever. I know, my humour was very wibbly-wobly, and I know this is perhaps the shortest chapter, but I'm just really intent on Rojo at the mo (READ IT DAMN YOU!)


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Bethesda, if I did, Sweden would be the battleground of Microsoft and Bethesda

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bethesda, if I did, Sweden would be the battleground of Microsoft and Bethesda

**Claimer:** I do, however, own anything not in the original script of Bethesda's elder scrolls games, SO NYAH!

And now

At freakin' last

Brought to you by

Swedish airspace companies

Our scheduled program

Mountains? But I wanted a muffin!

(Or, Lothlyn Greenleaf, Chapter 4)

Wolf banged his head repeatedly on the cave wall due to having to endure a slumber party; it had not been a pleasant experience. Lothlyn hopped over in a sleeping bag

"Hai! Did you know, like, Winnie the Pooh is going out with Arwen from Middle-earth now?" he jumped up and down excitedly, his night cap bauble bouncing around. Wolf had to desperately resist the urge to relive this mortal of his juices, but, he thought, it was impolite to do so. Lothlyn slowly got out from the sleeping bag and stretched

"Woo! What a wild party! Spin the bottle is fun!" he looked down at a snoring hunched figure on the ground, he kicked it

"Frodo! Sod off! Party's over!" he hoisted the hobbit up and threw him through the cave's mouth. He dusted his hands off as he walked back over to Wolf

"So, how did you sleep?" he sang

"I didn't" replied the vampire, showing his blooded forehead, he had been bashing his head against the wall since they had started karaoke.

"Jolly good" said the wood elf, and walked off into the bright sunlight, he hung his pyjamas on a branch and walked off into the woods in search of a lake, Wolf looked in horror after the elf

"He did _not_ just walk out naked, well, it's not my concern if a slaughter fish tears his codger off." He smiled to himself.

Lothlyn skipped through the woods, a Breton girl picking flowers saw him and fainted. He kicked her in the face as he passed and came to a small glade; he jumped over the small river that ran through it, and onto the shores of a great lake. He grinned gleefully and cannonballed the blue waters, making all manner of things fly out, including Bugsy Malone's corpse (lets face it, the bastard had it coming). Lothlyn swivelled around, his body now reacted to the freezing water, and he felt his lower regions go numb

"Mother fu-" but he was stopped by a slaughter fish biting him hard on the arse, he yelled and punched it, the fish swam away, muttering "What a rude elf, what, what!". Lothlyn gurgled the water in his mouth, he felt something unpleasant sloshing around, but ignored it and spat it out. From his position of treading water, he could see leprechauns dancing on the far bank, he made a rude gesture at them, and they threw pots of gold at him. After several minutes of taking refuge under an upturned pot on the bottom of the lake floor, he resurfaced to see the leprechauns lagging and trying to enter the lake

"HA! STUPID A.I!" Lothlyn yelled at them, a leprechaun yelled back,

"It's not the A.I, we have short term memory- what was I saying?" The wood elf ignored the leprechauns and swam deep to the bottom of the lake, he saw a trap door, and he reached for it but suddenly thought,

_Wait, what if this is a trap? Hmm, then again it could just be a place of spontaneous humor, hmmm, what to do, what to do, oh, and yes, I am ignoring the blatant fact I will soon run out of air and most likely drown, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it_ he opened it and swam down, totally ignoring the pressure now basically crushing his bones.

In the gloom, he could see strange shapes, Lothlyn was quite frightened, not because of what was lurking down here, but because his author had run out of ideas for gags, so, out of sheer boredom, the author made Lothlyn slip on a banana peel, underwater.

"Hate you, so much" said Lothlyn automatically, ignoring the fact that his speech would be incomprehensible underwater. He swam past skeletons, ancient artefacts, strange creatures that swam away when he drew near, and a Swedish break dancing team. He held up a card saying 8.7 as he passed.

Meanwhile, a seven year old child had discovered the meaning of life. Uh, I mean…

Meanwhile, a badger had discovered its true purpose in life, that it was a mere speck in existence, causing its head to explode. Ok, I'll get it right this time…

Meanwhile, CLICK HERE TO WIN A FREE M22 ROCKET LAUNCHER! Damn Iraqi Pop-ups! Right, last time, I promise…

Meanwhile, Wolf was pondering the fate of his companion, when he suddenly remembered that that imbecile had the path to the hidden Dwemmer vaults locked deep inside his mind

"Oh, the cruel, cruel irony" sighed Wolf, it was very early, so he would be able to chase after the elf, but, knowing him, he would come back wearing a squid as a loincloth or something.

Back in the dark gloom, Michael Jackson sung _Oranges and Lemons_ silently. For gods' sake, can we give that joke a rest now?

Back in the gloom, Lothlyn had put a hot water bottle over his crotch to stop his lady-acquainter falling off. Nobody had any idea where he got this from, probably from Hitler, or Mohammed Ali. Ah well, time for a plot twist! SUDDENLY THE POWER PUFF GIRLS BURST IN! Yeah, that's a good idea! They'll never suspect that one coming, yeah, hehe…DAMMIT, is I writing my inner monologue again? DAMMIT!

Lothlyn stared at the Power Puff Girls, they stared at him

"Here" they said "have this phial of acetylseryltyrosylserylisoleucylthreonylserylprolylserylglutaminyl-

phenylalanylvalylphenylalanylleucylserylserylvalyltryptophylalanyl-

aspartylprolylisoleucylglutamylleucylleucylasparaginylvalylcysteinyl-

threonylserylserylleucylglycylasparaginylglutaminylphenylalanyl-

glutaminylthreonylglutaminylglutaminylalanylarginylthreonylthreonyl-

glutaminylvalylglutaminylglutaminylphenylalanylserylglutaminylvalyl-

tryptophyllysylprolylphenylalanylprolylglutaminylserylthreonylvalyl-

arginylphenylalanylprolylglycylaspartylvalyltyrosyllysylvalyltyrosyl-

arginyltyrosylasparaginylalanylvalylleucylaspartylprolylleucylisoleucyl-

threonylalanylleucylleucylglycylthreonylphenylalanylaspartylthreonyl-

arginylasparaginylarginylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylvalylglutamyl-

asparaginylglutaminylglutaminylserylprolylthreonylthreonylalanylglutamyl-

threonylleucylaspartylalanylthreonylarginylarginylvalylaspartylaspartyl-

alanylthreonylvalylalanylisoleucylarginylserylalanylasparaginylisoleucyl-

asparaginylleucylvalylasparaginylglutamylleucylvalylarginylglycyl-

threonylglycylleucyltyrosylasparaginylglutaminylasparaginylthreonyl-

phenylalanylglutamylserylmethionylserylglycylleucylvalyltryptophyl-

threonylserylalanylprolylalanylserine"

Lothlyn stared at them as the phial was dumped into his hands, the Power Puff Girls made obscene gestures at Lothlyn before flying away again.

Now, before you start yelling mangled forms of English at me for "suddenly making up a word" because I didn't. That is actually a word, so…SCREW YOU!

He pocketed the phial (somehow, because he was naked…) and swam on. There was David Hasslehoff, doing his early stretches, and Spongebob was hiding from the authorities. Lothlyn was oblivious to all of this as he had spotted something very disturbing. Something so disturbing and heart-wrenching that if it were described to ye, thou's heart woud be torn from thy breast (hehe, breast…) and cut into fine pieces by Lucifer himself and strewn across the crops of evil, causing the wheat of sin to grow with the intense beating of thy heat. This would lead to the destruction of the realms of light and mortality, as the minions of evil hath fed on the seed of thy corrupted heart, bolstering their power by absorbing the nature and essence of thy heart, fueling their rage, powering their spite…

"Wow, you just went from Shakespeare to biblical-reader, and back to Shakespeare again" said Lothlyn, impressed. The author was bloody gob smacked that Lothlyn even knew who Shakespeare was. But he regained his composure and continued writing. Ooh, I know! Since it's been a while since I continued this, I got new stuff, so I'll just steal stuff from my new stuff.

Ahem.

"OH MY GOD, DANTE SHOT HIS HOLLINESS! ALTIAIR, YOU CAN'T FIGHT AL MUALIM, HE'S GOT THE ARTIFACT! WE MUST RETRIEVE THE CRUSADER'S RELICS! OH NO, THE SPOOK'S GONNA PUT ALICE IN A PIT! CRAP, MASTER CHIEF, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT GUN!? NO, HELLO KITTY, YOU HAVE TO SAVE THE TOWN FROM THE BLOCKBOTS! Erm, I mean…WHAT, NINE-THOUSAND?!"

Well, that was pointless…oh, and if you got every single reference then you have no life. AT ALL.

Okay, since this seems hardly Oblivion-like at all, let's have some proof this actually is an Oblivion fic.

Ahem (again.)

"Hey look, the statue of the Avatar Of Akatosh that Martin turned into when he used the amulet of kings!" cried Lothlyn, seeing it somehow from more than half way around the province.

As our hilariously hilarious hero (?) swam on through this half-arsed ficc, something slithered in the darkne-

"NO! NO! YOU DO NOT PIT ME AGAINST SOMETHING SLITHERY! IF YOU WRITE THAT, SOMETHING WILL UNDOUBTEDLY SNEAK ATTACK ME!"

But his author didn't care.

The slithery thing turned out to be a tail. Lothlyn almost instinctively punched at it. But soon, a sort of orangy fist came back, smacking him hard in the face, even though it's technically impossible underwater, unless the new character had bionic implants, which he doesn't, and will now probably become a reocurring joke throughout this...ANYWAY!  
WILL LOTHLYN DISCOVER HIS MYSTERIOUS ATTACKER? Probably. WILL WOLF REVEAL THE PLOT TWIST? Obviously. IS THIS STORY FUNNY ANYMORE? No, not really.


End file.
